longtimelurker wrote:I just want to say thanks to everyone who has replied and thanks for being so kind - I was afraid you might think I was someone who was messing.

I have spoken to him (numerous times) about her but he always says nothing is going on. He said that I am paranoid and hes sick of hearing about it.

There's a few things I left out in the original post (i'm afraid people might find out it me) but here goes - they actually work together so they see each other at work everyday - they are not alone in the office at any time there are at least 50 people there all day long and in relation to the pics she sent him last week I also left out the fact that they were nude pics and the one he replied to was a full on shot of her vagina - he said You look amazing xxx.

How did he know the photo was of "her" vagina?

Seriously - is this for real? I dont understand how in the name of god you could live with him knowing he has a girl sending him naked pictures.

I understand you're afraid, that you've moved away etc. but you need to have some respect for yourself and at least tell him you know. IMO it makes no odds whether or not he's been having an affair with this girl, the texts are enough. Have it out with him, if you choose to forgive and forget then fair enough, but you need to open your mouth and stand up for yourself.

Tinkerbride wrote:Seriously - is this for real? I dont understand how in the name of god you could live with him knowing he has a girl sending him naked pictures.

I understand you're afraid, that you've moved away etc. but you need to have some respect for yourself and at least tell him you know. IMO it makes no odds whether or not he's been having an affair with this girl, the texts are enough. Have it out with him, if you choose to forgive and forget then fair enough, but you need to open your mouth and stand up for yourself.

Yes this is for real - i'm sorry if people don't believe me and I wish it wasn't happening to me but it is.

I know i need to talk to him. I'm due to go away with work for a week (hopefully this training will lead to a better paid job) I'm going to leave it till after that, it'll give me more time to think.

As for forgiving and forgetting, I don't know. I'm so lost and upset and mad I still dont understand why he would do this to me? Why am i not enough for him?

i believe you and i dont understand why anyone would question someone looking for a bit of support!!
if you know it hers and you know theres something going on then you need to leave!!!
if there isnt anything going on then there is something wrong in the relationship anyway as there is no trust.. u say uv tried talking to him and it dosnt work then he's clearly an swine, any adult should be able to sit down and have a conversation.... pick urself up with all the strength u have and confront him.. its not that ur not enough for him hes just an a$$hole and u deserve better!
dont spend another 30something years with someone ur not happy with its not worth it!

timeflys wrote:i believe you and i dont understand why anyone would question someone looking for a bit of support!!
if you know it hers and you know theres something going on then you need to leave!!!
if there isnt anything going on then there is something wrong in the relationship anyway as there is no trust.. u say uv tried talking to him and it dosnt work then he's clearly an swine, any adult should be able to sit down and have a conversation.... pick urself up with all the strength u have and confront him.. its not that ur not enough for him hes just an a$$hole and u deserve better!
dont spend another 30something years with someone ur not happy with its not worth it!

Thanks for taking the time to reply to me.

It is hers all the pics are her but he only responded to one of them and it was the last one she sent. I dont know if something physical is going on with them (I know she wants that, other people have told me, she's been after him for almost 2 years now, I havent known for that long though). If something physical is going on I don't know when they are together, he spends all his free time with me or a few lads he knows.

Would it just be dirty texts being sent from her? Or am i hoping thats all it is? Would he have asked her to send them? Why would he do that when he has me?

You said I should pick myself up with all the strength i have and confront him, but i'm scared. This was supposed to be the happy ever after, I'd met every a$$ there was out there and had given up on meeting anyone ever and then he came along and he was so different to all the others, right from the start he said he wanted to have a relationship, he never played games with me. Why do this now then? What's changed? I've put some weight on in the last couple of months, could that be it?

As for deserving better, I thought I had found it in him, even now he's still the same as he was at the beginning.

no its nothing to do with ur weight, but this may be getting you down??

regardless of the circumstances of how he got the pics, he has them, hasnt deleted them and hasnt told her to stay away from him... like that weird bunny boiler stuff.. he should have a problem with it and shouldnt want it going on.... dont try convince yourself in any way that she made him keep the pictures, that its all down to her.. its not!!! looking at porn in a magasine i could understand but someone u work with, having that picture and telling them they look beautiful in response to it? you KNOW its not right..

Hi longtimelurker,
So sorry you're feeling this way and so sorry that you feel that the only outlet for you right now is to write down how you're feeling on WOL and not have people's support on here...I understand it sounds a little "out there" but if writing down how you're feeling on here helps you in any way then 99% of us will support, listen and offer support or help in any way we can....
I do find the photo situation difficult to understand....and his reply was horrendous...how would he feel if some bloke started texting you pics of his privates and you texting back "looking good there xxx"....I agree with some of the others, this needs to be sorted out with your boyf asap but there's no point if you're not ready for it yet as it would devastate you even more...but him and only him can sort this out...he needs to delete her number, he needs to give you 100% backing...even if he thinks you're being "paranoid" and nothing is going on, he needs to support you 100% to show you that you're the one for him and show you he loves YOU....
About the s*x issue - do you know if he's feeling stressed with work or friends or anything? It might be something small but when something gets to a man, it tends to make a huge impact on them (think man'flu!!!)....
It's only you two that can sort this out but you need to be confident and say to him what you need from him to make you feel better about yourself, about him and about your relationship....and he might say what he needs from you too...but it needs to be two-way thing and both of you should be getting what you both need out of this relationship...
Hope you're feeling better and get this sorted...Big hugs x

i understand you're scared but is it better to be with someone you don't trust then to be on your own? I know what i would do if i found those pictures and wasn't getting a believable answer from my fella, i'd be straight into that office and would confront her in front of everyone regardless of the consequences, she's a tramp...who sends pictures of THAT to guys who are in relationships except girls who are advertising for business.

Of course it'll be hard to come home and start again, but you feel completely isolated over there. Even IF and thats a big IF you are being paranoid and there really been nothing going on....how can you stay in a relationship if you continue to feel like this.

It's your decision at the end of the day but you should definately tell him that you saw the photos

Hi there,

You poor thing, i can only imagine...(but i really don't want to)... what you are going through and how you are feeling. Try (and I know it's difficult) to read back over what you've written and imagine what you would do or say if this was something you were reading...

To be honest I don't think it really matters that he says there is nothing going on with the other woman.... there clearly is.... they may not have slept with each other or done anything physical with each other, but be honest with yourself, she is sending photo's which really shouldn't be sent, to your boyfriends phone and he is responding.... so there is something going on...

I think you need to broach the matter with him... tell him you've seen the pictures... ok you shouldn't have been going through his phone... but in the grand scheme of things it seems justified...you obviously suspected suspected something to look at his phone...Tell him what you found...and ask for an explanation.

In respects to the other girl, I think you need to meet her and tell her to stop, ask her what she is doing... I think threaten her with the photo is some way...ask her if she's so free in showing herself to your boyfriend then she surely wouldn't mind if the whole office saw her as well!!!

I'm not sure if anything I've said helps...but you can not ignore what's going on, you have to do something or it will completely eat you up and start to destroy you...
Be strong and look after yourself....you deserve to have your questions answered and if he does love you, as you say he does, he will be desperate to sort it out...

Thinking of you

Cats

I haven't read through all the replies but here's my two cents. You aren't 'trapped' wherever you moved to. Surely if you are so unhappy it's worth taking the leap to come home. Even if you don't get a job straight away it's better to be with family and friends then far from home and alone. This isn't a plot from "Not Without My Daughter" and you aren't trapped in another country unable to leave. It's just your pride and stubborness holding you back.

As for your OH commenting on naked pictures that shows her vagina??? Come on! That is clearly inappropriate. I know some people are naturally flirtatious but that is crossing a line and clearly sexual. I wouldn't be happy with my DH needing a friend that clearly isn't acting like just a friend and always being so vulgar. They don't have a friendship, not to me anyway.

You seem really unhappy and don't trust him. I think it's time to cut your losses and come home. Don't be a martyr FFS. If this is genuine and then you would leave. You moved countries to be with him and yet in your OP say you aren't married, not only that but nowhere near marriage. You have shown a big commitment to him be moving to be with him and yet you still believe your relaitionship is in the 'going steady' bracket. You have no faith in the relationship so just leave and rebuild your life at home.

Thanks so much for the replies and yes I understand this is a bit out there but unfortunately this is the situation I am in.

I'm not ready to confront him at the minute, as I said I'm going to wait until after my work training and then i'll say something. Also we have his son staying with us at the minute as well so I don't think this is the right time to do something like this. I really need to do this when we are alone and face to face. It can't be over the phone or by email it has to be face to face but it will have to wait until I'm back from work.

As for the pictures, they are no longer on his phone neither is his reply, not sure when he got rid of them as I found them last week (she had sent them in the middle of hte night and I found them that morning) and haven't been near his phone until yesterday evening, he's very clingly with the phone even taking it into the loo with him but that's not a recent thing he's always been like that with it (am I making excuses now?). Oh and as for her phone number, its not stored in his phone it just comes up as her number and I've known her number for a long time now.

In relation to s*x, he is really busy in work and has been taking calls at home in the evening and I've heard them and they aren't nice, if something goes wrong he's the one everyone turns to (even if its not his dept.). To be honest that isn't really worrying me, I just started to think about everything and thought that maybe the two of them were at it so he was too tired to be with me. He's always been like this though he said from the beginning that he doesn't need it that often.

I would love to be able to go home but right now I can't and its really not a pride thing, I know my family wouldn't judge me or give out to me for coming home but there are no jobs at home and I took a loan out for him about 2 1/2 years ago, its a VERY substantial loan (my family know nothing of it), it was to help him out with his seperation (hes still not divorced though) and he's been paying it back each month. I don't have anything in writing to say that the loan is actually for him (I know I am stupid for doing that but I can't turn back time) so he can stop paying at any time and there is over 7 years left on this loan so I need to work and even where I am at the minute I'm not earning enough to cover rent/food and the loan. He's actually giving me money each week to make up for the crap wages i'm on. I am looking for another better paid job but there are none I was VERY lucky to get this job. I know i'm not trapped but going home is not an option, I'll have to stay here or go to another country but I can't go home (not right now anyway).

Septemberbride10 you asked is it better to be with someone you dont trust than to be on your own, well right now yes it is, I really don't want to have to start again not alone. You also said I should go to the office and confront her, well I kinda did that just after xmas, I rang her and told her to back off but well basically I came out the bad person in all of it, everyone in his office and his friends now think i'm a bunny boiler girlfriend and that she's the bees knees and such a lady. As for her being a tramp, well to me thats putting it lightly, she wants my man and will stop at nothing until she gets him. She's been after him for 2 years and hasn't given up yet. I've said it to him and he's laughed it off saying don't be stupid, your the only one for me, why would I have brought you out here if I didn't want ot be with you. But there have been a few occasions when's he's been really really drunk and he's said I shouldn't have brought you out here, your too good for me. Is he regretting bringing me here?

I've been thinking of nothing else since i've found the pics, I've not been eating properly either and I've started to get pains in my stomach but anytime I go to eat something I just can't eat it. I'm also having really bad headaches as well and he's noticed me taking panadol and asked why, I told him I've been having headaches and he said maybe its time to get new glasses coz I haven't had my eyes tested in over 2 years. How can someone think of things like that and be carrying on with someone else? How can he remember something like that about me and then have her sending him pics? I really want to believe he isn't doing anything with her, I want to believe that it was just a few texts and thats it.

Again i want to say thanks to everyone who has replied, you don't know me at all but have all taken the time to read what i've written and also post a reply for me.

Regards to the loan, that is a pickle alright. I see where you are coming from. When you are in love and trust someone you sometimes forget to be pragmatic and it's only when things go wrong you question decisions. I'm not sure what to do there tbh. As you are the one who took out the loan, for whatever reason, the bank will hold you responsible. You should talk to a solicitor or Citizens Advice Bureau and see if you can get an agreement in writing from him that he will repay 100% of the loan and why it was drawn up in the first place (i.e. the funds were used 100% by him).

As for the rest. Well I'm sorry but I think he sounds like a pig. To still have contact with someone who is obviously not a friend and who's motive are definitely not pure.... He's having his cake and eating it imo. He obviously loves the attention, whether he returns her affection or not he is still leading her on. He knows what he is doing is dodgey and could/is detroying your relationship. Maybe it's worth the risk to him??

To me your relationship seems very unhealthy and not based on any sort of mutual respect.

Ok, look, first posts like this pop up here regularly and most of the time they're trolls. People will usually question you, sorry but we've all been taken in at some stage and its frustrating.

You say she sent the photos in the middle of the night and you found them the next morning... so when did he reply to her? Was he sitting up in the middle of the night texting her back? As for this girl being a "tramp" and "wanting your man" agreed what she did is out of order, but HE is the one with the commitment to you, not her. You have no idea what he is saying to her, if he's lying to your face and you're supposed to be his partner then for all you know he's feeding her a bag of lies aswell. Seriously, you CANNOT blame this woman for what he is doing, he has his own mind.

The loan is a dodgy situation alright. CAB is a good idea, Id look into that.

I dont know what sort of advice you want to be given, nobody is going to tell you to stay there and put up with it.

She sent the pics last saturday night/sunday morning we were out together with friends when he replied. There was a big group of us out that night. I looked at his phone the next morning when he was asleep (when he gets really drunk he's out for the count I could turn on a lawn mower and it wouldn't wake him) and I know the password on his phone (he doesn't know I know it though).

I just want everyone to say that everything is going to be ok that he does love me and want me but that's not what everyone is going to say to me. I've read over what I've written and if a friend came to me in a situation like this I'd tell them to leave.

I'm really heartbroken and feel really alone. I can't believe he'd do this to me, I'm an idiot to have believed him. I can't blame anyone for any of this its all down to me. I let this happen.

Oh and I understand about first posts, I've been lurking long enough to see some trolls. I could have said I was a wolly and just signing in as a different person but I was honest and said i was a first time poster. Thanks again to everyone who's taken the time to reply to me.

Longtimelurker - LEAVE HIM.