Cold Feet?

by **desperatelyconfused** » Thu Sep 29, 2022 8:17 am

I'm a regular Wollie but had to go under a different user name for this. I'm so torn and confused and don't know who to talk to.

I am due to get married in a couple of months. I've been with my oh nearly a decade. (Don't want to get too specific in case I'm recognised). I've been having little niggles for a few months but thought that it might be down to my hormones being messed up due to coming off the pill. But now I'm even worse. I can't eat or sleep. I feel sick everytime someone mentions the wedding. Every weekend when he goes out with the lads I hope that he'll cheat on me so I can walk away without being the bad guy. But then other times I think I'm making a huge mistake cos I do love him. God I'm so mixed up. I let things go for a few months hoping that I'd get over whatever it is I'm feeling but now its come to the point where we have to pay off balance deposits and confirm appointments and I can't put things off anymore. I don't know whether its just the wedding or whether its the whole relationship I want out of. I feel like the biggest b&tch in the world for not telling him how I'm feeling but I'm terrified that if I do, I'll realise I'm being an idiot and then it'll be too late and I'll have thrown away the one good thing in my life. I don't know whether, if I tell him that I want to cancel the wedding, he'll want to stay with me to see can we work things out.

I don't even know what I'm asking - I just had to get it out. I can't talk to any of my friends because all our friends are mutual.

by **peony3** » Thu Sep 29, 2022 9:07 am

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. It is such a lonely place to be and very difficult to sort out your feelings when you can't talk to anyone.

I think you need to talk to your OH. Maybe don't reveal the full extent of your feelings up front but mentioning that you are feeling anxious and unsure about the wedding might relieve some of the stress and may help you think more clearly about what you want.

I would also strongly suggest speaking to a counsellor, either together or on your own as this is the best way to sort out how you feel. I'm by no means an expert but often times your feelings about one thing, say anxiety over getting married, can manifest themselves in other feelings, like being unsure about your partner.

It is also possible that your feelings are real and you may no longer want to be with your OH. In either case I think that a professional could really help.

Please don't feel like a b1tch. You can't help your feelings and you haven't done anything wrong.

Hope it works out for you.

Px

by **desperatelyconfused** » Thu Sep 29, 2022 9:13 am

Thanks for that.

I think that maybe if the wedding was off then I could put some time into seeing if we could work things out. I'm just so panicked about having to make a decision in the next few weeks that I getting so confused. I don't know how he'll take it though - I mean we are together for years so its sounds crazy that I want more time. I'm terrified of making a mistake and losing him but I'm equally terrified that I'll wake up on the morning of the wedding and know that I shouldn't be marrying him but won't have the balls to call it off at that point.

I just wish I'd said something a couple of months ago. Then we could have worked through things for a bit without having to make a huge decision like postponing / cancelling the wedding.

I can't imagine my life without him but I feel very sad when I think that I could be signing myself up for a "forever" of feeling like this.

by **peony3** » Thu Sep 29, 2022 9:45 am

I PM'd you Desperately Confused

katief · by **katief** » Fri Sep 30, 2022 2:38 pm

Are you in love with him or do you love him?

lolabelle · by **lolabelle** » Fri Sep 30, 2022 2:51 pm

I'm going to be straight up with you. You will regret this if you go through with it. When the times comes that you are looking for a way out i.e him cheating on you then it's time to end it. It will be the most difficult thing you ever have to do and your OH may be heartbroken and you too of course but in the long run you will both come out of this happier. I have 1st hand experience of this. PM me if you need to

by **AliceCullen** » Fri Sep 30, 2022 2:53 pm

Try forget about the wedding for a moment and ask yourself is this the life you want for yourself? Are you happy in your life? Take away the pressure of the wedding and the money and everything and consider your lives together & if you seperated. I know that my life didn't change once we got married, we were already living together and comitted to each other so there was no big changes.

by **desperatelyconfused** » Fri Sep 30, 2022 3:01 pm

I think that its been like this really for a couple of years but now that the wedding deadline is here I just can't ignore the way I feel anymore. I don't want to hurt him. I desperately want him to tell me that he feels the same way. I think that if we could just postpone the wedding, we could put a few months aside and really work to see if we can save the relationship but I'm afriad that its already gone too far. All our friends are mutual and I know that I will lose them all if I go ahead and call it off when he doesn't want to, but I'm so sure that I can't marry him that I'm willing to do this. Its at the stage where I would rather lose him and realise that I've made a huge mistake than live with this knot in my stomach. I can't eat or sleep. He must know that something is wrong.

I love him but there is no real intimacy there. We were away recently and we didn't have sex once in the whole time. The few times we do it, its just functional and we keep saying that we need to be more spontaneous but it just doesn't happen. I think that we love each other but we don't like/fancy each other anymore. I know that after a few years, friendship is what happens and there aren't butterflies etc., but surely we should at least fancy each other still. I'm literally tortured over this.

lolabelle · by **lolabelle** » Fri Sep 30, 2022 3:08 pm

Hon, the person that I know that went through EXACTLY what you did, practically said what you said word for word.

Nobody can tell you what to do, we can only advise based on our experiences. I hope it all works out for you :xxx

by **desperatelyconfused** » Fri Sep 30, 2022 3:17 pm

Lolabelle wrote:Hon, the person that I know that went through EXACTLY what you did, practically said what you said word for word.

Nobody can tell you what to do, we can only advise based on our experiences. I hope it all works out for you

And did it turn out that he felt the same way as her?

I'm 100% sure that I can't marry him right now, I'm just not sure whether its that I can't marry him right now or I don't want to be with him right now. I can't untangle the two in my head - or maybe I don't want to. I remember someone once telling me that knowing the truth and accepting the truth are two totally different things.

whoop whoop · by **whoop whoop** » Fri Sep 30, 2022 3:29 pm

Oh my gosh everything you said rang bells with me in terms of how I felt about my previous relationship to this one.
Now I know it's totally different because we were young and we weren't engaged, but I had all the same thoughts as you - wishing he'd cheat so I could have a way out without being the bad guy, wishing he'd call it off, so desperately unsure of how I felt, worried that it would be a huge mistake and I did really love him deep down, trying so hard to remind myself of all the positives about him that I would end up in knots because my heart/stomach didn't match with my head - he was a really good and lovely guy, so what was my problem? Needless to say we did break up, and I haven't looked back since. I was fortunate in that I didn't feel anything but relief after it was over, never regretted it (apart from the inevitable wistful moments) - you probably wouldn't have that luxury as your situation is different with the upcoming wedding and the mutual friends.

I don't even know if the 'do you love him?' is that helpful a question, because it's possible to love someone and them still not be right for you. I'm sure for most of us our current partner isn't our first love.

Obviously I'm allowing my own experience to colour my reaction to you, but I hope that my being honest about that will help you take it with a pinch of salt, as of course your situation is different. I think going to counselling is good advice (I'd recommend going by yourself not as a couple) - but only if you agree to be totally honest in your sessions. Remember it's confidential and this person will not judge you. Being able to talk about it in an open space like that with someone who has no agenda and is not invested in you either continuing the relationship or ending it, should help you clarify your feelings.

Good luck, my heart goes out to you.

sweets78 · by **sweets78** » Fri Sep 30, 2022 4:13 pm

My advice to you would be trust your feelings,I spent 6 years in a relationship and had a child too.When he asked to marry me all the doubts I had became a reality and I ended the relationship.I am now in a relationship 10 years and I still find it exciting and I love him as much as I did ten years ago.You realy need to talk to your H2b befor going ahead with any final decisions, I hope it all works out for you. :xox

happyfamily · by **happyfamily** » Fri Sep 30, 2022 5:18 pm

Thats how i felt in my last relationship. We were together 5 years and the last few months i ws constantly picking fights and wanted to go out with my friends and spending time with him became a chore. So glad i ended it before i ended up cheating on him becasue he didn't deserve that

Luka · by **Luka** » Fri Sep 30, 2022 9:10 pm

Lolabelle wrote:I'm going to be straight up with you. You will regret this if you go through with it. When the times comes that you are looking for a way out i.e him cheating on you then it's time to end it. It will be the most difficult thing you ever have to do and your OH may be heartbroken and you too of course but in the long run you will both come out of this happier. I have 1st hand experience of this. PM me if you need to

Lolabelle is right. If you are with him a decade & it still doesn't feel right, then something IS wrong. you are feeling the way you are feeling because your gut instinct is telling you it's wrong. I know it's hard, I've been there, almost 20 years ago when I was young (late teens, with a marriage proposal). Whats for you won't pass you by. I now have a 5 month old baby boy & a wonderful DH & the jigsaw has finally fallen into place. It will for you too xx

by **popsi** » Sat Oct 01, 2022 1:27 pm

I can completely and utterly understand where you are coming from. In my previous relationship I felt the exact same, I spent three years with him - the most decent, kindest, loving guy there was but I always knew that it just wasn't it for me. I would literally tell myself everyday that I could fall in love with him, that it would grow back, that if I gave it time I would fall for him again.
I also had the problem of mutual friends, We were a close group and anytime I considered breaking up with him, I felt as though I would be letting the whole side down, Silly now when I look back but when you're caught up in a situation like that you lose sight of what is really important. And that's you, and your own future happiness.
When he began talking about engagement I ended it. And it wasn't easy, believe me I had considered going ahead with it all to still have my close friends around me and a guy who truly did love me with me for the rest of my life. But I had to be honest with myself, I would have began doubting it, just as you are now and in my case it would have led to resentment that he was holding me back and stopping me from experiencing that feeling that you get when you are head over heels in love with someone.
I fell out with a lot of those friends over it all, and I was made out to be the biggest b**ch going at the time. Some of them were downright nasty to me about the whole thing but true friends will stick by you, they want you to be happy above anything else. And that's what I found. I'm still very close to a couple of them. I am now engaged to a guy I would move mountains for and he would do the same for me. Nobody should miss out on the chance to feel that way. And my ex boyfriend is now happy in a long term relationship with someone else too.
Only you know how you really feel. I just hope that by sharing this with you I have given you some belief that if you do decide to end it - it really won't be the end of the world. Life has a funny way of throwing these experiences at us and making us all the stronger for having gone through them.

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