The subject of children

GizzyWhizzy · by **GizzyWhizzy** » Sun Feb 12, 2022 10:55 am

Hi all, on foot of another topic in another forum I decided to matter to oh about kids.. On and off we would talk about it but we're always saying things like "one day" etc. with 6 months to go I realised that the talk of having kids was always hypothetical and I thought it deserved a proper chat. Turns out that I do want 1 or maybe 2 kids and he doesn't. He said it will affect us too much and there are enough kids in the world! I'm gobsmacked! I never thought that was his opinion! Has anyone else ever resolved a query like this??

HippyChic · by **HippyChic** » Sun Feb 12, 2022 12:49 pm

Oh dear, I don't know what I would do in your shoes. Myself and my H2B discussed kids waaaay before we were engaged as we knew we needed to both be on the same page. We're TTC now and having difficulty and you really need to both long for a child to get through that! Could you talk to your H2B again and explain to him that you really want to have children, that this is important to you. The last thing you want is to end up in a marriage where you can't have the babies you want as you'll end up hating your husband for taking that away from you, or where you do have kids and he holds that against you as it's not what he wanted.
Seriously, you guys need to sit down and get this sorted out ASAP, this is one of those deal-breakers for relationships. I hope everything works out the best for you, whatever the outcome.

Buttonnose · by **Buttonnose** » Sun Feb 12, 2022 2:38 pm

That really is a sticky situation. Have you talked to your fiance about why he doesn't want children? He needs to know that children are definitely something you want as this could ultimately lead to you resenting him or cause strife in your marriage.

My H2B hadn't really thought about having children before we got together, but now he wants a family. The sleepless nights, mucking around with kids, bedtime stories, the whole shooting gallery! I honestly don't know if I could marry someone who didn't want the same things as I did. If children are non-negotiable for you then you really need to tell him. Who knows? Perhaps he'll change his mind, but this is something you both need to discuss.

GizzyWhizzy · by **GizzyWhizzy** » Sun Feb 12, 2022 3:46 pm

Thanks all, we went for a drive today and tried to bring it up again but I don't think it was right time.. He said that kids will affect our lifestyle too much, all the things I like about kids he sees as a hindrance. When we were dating we discussed it but never in great detail as I thought we were both on the same page, over time I've realised that we're different.. I'm very down about this today, think I need to ask for a proper, telly off discussion about it. Thanks again. Didn't think this would be marring the 6 month mark :(

Buttonnose · by **Buttonnose** » Sun Feb 12, 2022 4:12 pm

I think you're right about getting the timing right. Sit down with him and chat about why you want children, then let him say his piece about why he doesn't want them. Ultimately a decision can only be reached by you and your fiance. I really hope things work out for you both :thnk

by **Baby H** » Sun Feb 12, 2022 7:21 pm

Jesus, this is something that needs to be ironed out well before the big day.

A friend of mine married her fella thinking she could work on him and he'd change his mind and come round.
He is adamant to this day he doesn't want kids, she still does. She is now 38 and stuck with someone she loves dearly, but totally resents him for denying her children.

I wish you all the best and hope all works out for you

licious · by **licious** » Sun Feb 12, 2022 9:57 pm

odd ghizzywhizzy..... you have discussed before that you were planning to TTC after your wedding with H2B....and this was all discussed with your h2b

'I'm kinda in similar mode to u.. I would like a baby and I'm 33 so should probably think about TTC after wedding in Autumn ( well ppl tell me I shouldnt wait at my age.... Grrrrrrrr.. Anyway....!!!!) but I like the idea of spending sometime being husband and wife before being mammy and daddy.. I'm torn on it and the closer I get to the big day the worse I am... H2B is very chilled and said we should prob try after wedding as baby making might not be as straightforward as we hope and if it doesn't happen at least we will know... All very practical but it could happen fast then there's no going back!!! But that was an unnecessary rant to your straightforward question... I'd say we will start trying in early 2013.. Take few months after wedding '

licious · by **licious** » Sun Feb 12, 2022 10:01 pm

GizzyWhizzy wrote:I'm kinda in similar mode to u.. I would like a baby and I'm 33 so should probably think about TTC after wedding in Autumn ( well ppl tell me I shouldnt wait at my age.... Grrrrrrrr.. Anyway....!!!!) but I like the idea of spending sometime being husband and wife before being mammy and daddy.. I'm torn on it and the closer I get to the big day the worse I am... H2B is very chilled and said we should prob try after wedding as baby making might not be as straightforward as we hope and if it doesn't happen at least we will know... All very practical but it could happen fast then there's no going back!!! But that was an unnecessary rant to your straightforward question... I'd say we will start trying in early 2013.. Take few months after wedding

GizzyWhizzy · by **GizzyWhizzy** » Mon Feb 13, 2022 7:59 am

Your right licious, I thought that we were singing off same hymn sheet.. I posted in how many children and when I was writing it I got thinking so off I went to chat to OH.. He seems to change his mind faster than the weather that's what I meant in my other post..

I was a bit iffy too but only on the subject of timing.. It's incredibly mixed up.. And I can identify if the uncertainty factor too

while I do want children, I only want them of he is fully committed.. I know I wouldn't be able to manage without full support...

Thanks for all the replays.. We are having dinner tonight and will get serious about discussing it.. I was in bed last night doing a pros and cons analysis on it!!!!

Cats1 · by **Cats1** » Mon Feb 13, 2022 1:54 pm

It's so difficult when you both want different things... I was there too...
My now husband (then boyfriend) asked me to move in with him... We were having a lovely night and then the topic of future marriage and children came up, the evening then changed completely and I was told point blank he did not want children, never did, never would... I said it was a deal breaker and wailed for the weekend (like a banshee!!!).
I then took a step back and thought about it from his point of view, he had thought this way forever, I could not expect him to change his mind over night so I said to him all the reasons for having children, how it was about love, about future, about how I needed to be a mother (he had chosen the most maternal person in the world to fall in love with!!!). I said I had chosen him to be the father of my children, I asked him to try and see things differently... and in my head I gave him about 6 months to try and see things from my point of view.
I didn't move in, didn't talk of marriage, didn't push him on it, I knew that if I forced the issue he would put his back up and that would be the end of us....
A couple of months later he asked about moving in again, and then said that he had thought of everything I had said and he had tried to look at it differently and he had changed his mind...thank goodness.
We're now married and planning to start trying for a baby in the next few months....

I hope my story helps in some way, try and understand his point of view and then try and make him look at things differently....when he's 40 or 50 how does he want to be living his life? What about when he's 60 or 70? Does he have a good relationship with his parents?

GizzyWhizzy · by **GizzyWhizzy** » Mon Feb 13, 2022 4:08 pm

Cheers cats1.. He has a great relationship with parents and comes from reasonably big family.. He's wonderful with nieces and nephews and when I met him I thought he was quite a paternal man ( I dunno why) our conversations on kids in past never really were totally serious.. Something in what u said resonated with me.. I think I'm guilty of hearing what he said but not looking at his side..I have not really asked his reasons just reacted to him.. I have gotten the ingredients for a nice dinner and I'm hopeful that tonight will get a proper conversation, even if there is no definate resolution. Might have to think about it for a few weeks, perhaps like in your situation some time to think would be good.. I don't know at this stage if it a deal breaker, I love him to pieces and if it transpired that we couldn't have children I think we would be strong enough to cope ( I know this is something that no one really know unless it happens but I hope we would be ok) i guess at our age we need to know how we feel.. I get more confused by the day!! Apologies!!

layla14 · by **layla14** » Mon Feb 13, 2022 8:34 pm

Oh Gizzy whizzy - this is a tough one. I was in that situation - twice!! The first time I was 27 and my BF of 11 years announce that he didnt think he ever wanted to get married or have kids!!! - it took me ages to realise it, but what he said was true, just that he didnt want it with me!!! - We have both moved on, I left him as it was a deal breaker. he is now married with 2 boys!

Now I'm married to a man who said the same thing practically, but his story is different, he was married and had a kid before. We had loads of talks about it and for 2 years it was too-ing anf fro-ing. I totally understood where he was coming from but I knew I was going to be a confident mother and I worked really hard to do nearly all the work myself, i breast fed for 5 months and get up, (still) in the middle of the night if one is sick, need toilet etc.

The only problem is, while he agreed to us having a child or 2 and they were both planned and very much wanted by me, he doesnt really do much with them. Nearly all to do with the kids is left up to me - I arranged childminding, babysitters, days out, swimming, schools, school uniforms etc. He loves his children, that I dont doubt, but he doesnt partake in the rearing of them.
I am just giving you a word of warning - he may agree to having chilrdren, but you really need to think about how you are going to cope if you are pretty much left doing all the work yourself. Really really listen to hom and think really really hard about what you are about to embark on!
Best of luck with it all !

Littlebo · by **Littlebo** » Tue Feb 14, 2022 2:19 am

layla14 wrote:Oh Gizzy whizzy - this is a tough one. I was in that situation - twice!! The first time I was 27 and my BF of 11 years announce that he didnt think he ever wanted to get married or have kids!!! - it took me ages to realise it, but what he said was true, just that he didnt want it with me!!! - We have both moved on, I left him as it was a deal breaker. he is now married with 2 boys!

Now I'm married to a man who said the same thing practically, but his story is different, he was married and had a kid before. We had loads of talks about it and for 2 years it was too-ing anf fro-ing. I totally understood where he was coming from but I knew I was going to be a confident mother and I worked really hard to do nearly all the work myself, i breast fed for 5 months and get up, (still) in the middle of the night if one is sick, need toilet etc.

The only problem is, while he agreed to us having a child or 2 and they were both planned and very much wanted by me, he doesnt really do much with them. Nearly all to do with the kids is left up to me - I arranged childminding, babysitters, days out, swimming, schools, school uniforms etc. He loves his children, that I dont doubt, but he doesnt partake in the rearing of them.

I am just giving you a word of warning - he may agree to having chilrdren, but you really need to think about how you are going to cope if you are pretty much left doing all the work yourself. Really really listen to hom and think really really hard about what you are about to embark on!
Best of luck with it all !

Jesus Layal14, Thank you, that's a very honest response and you really are a great Mother and your Kids should be so proud of you in years to come. That's a hard thing to do as you are as you said rearing them and mentoring them by yourself,.

True realism to people who have not talked about the subject of children properly. You have to agree or be harmonious with each other on what is important to both of you in the life that ye are committing to each other. The things that are important to you both in the happiness in your life together.

We have talked about it and OH is really into having Children, I'm afraid I am the one that is not as maternal. We talked about it a LOT of times before we even got engaged and continue to talk about it. We have both always known what way each other feels and thinks from the beginning and didn't live in "ah once we are married things will change" attitude. Our agreement is not the norm but one that makes us both happy.

Children come to us in many ways. Some biological and some gifted to us. My Gran had 10 Children and fostered the same two boys every summer and holidays from St Josephs and adored them. She tried for many years to adopt them but wasn't allowed.Heartbreaking for her and lives to this day with my Mam and her Sisters. Two of my Aunts followed her way of life with both their biological children and were so lucky to be allowed adopt their Foster Children. My cousins. :lvs

GizzyWhizzy · by **GizzyWhizzy** » Tue Feb 14, 2022 12:34 pm

Hi Layla, Cheers for the honesty on this and you have hit the nail on the head in terms of my fear. I admire people like you who can manage children on their own (I know that you are not, but you manage the children and all that goes with them). I am a person who is not good with disorder and when things get on top of me I tend to get stressed. I am really worried that I wouldnt manage in your situation as I wouldnt get the "get away break" option if OH was not fully on board. It can be so easy to romantisise the whole thing and lose sight of the practicalities. It such a love family dynamic Littlebo to recognise children from all route of entry to a family. I think that adoptive and foster parents have such a unique bond with their children too..

OH came home from work last night with a big bunch of flowers for V day.. I asked if we could chat about the subject and he said that he was very tired but he did say that we can have a proper chat about it on Saturday. I know that they tiredness was not a cop out as he was aslssp on the couch by 8.

It has been really enlightening for me to see all the perspectives and the honesty around this subject. Considering I was popping up 2 kids on another forum last week because of "assumptions" I made, I am really after getting a wake up call. I love OH to pieces and cannot envisage llife without him but I am still worried that he will be like "sure if you want them, thats fine" to me that is a red flag because of my inability to do it alone. Hopefully if we both have a think about the priorities it will become clear. Jeanie Mack, I am being very optimistic.

layla14 · by **layla14** » Fri Feb 17, 2022 5:51 pm

Good for Gizzywhizzy - you need to take it all on board and be sure of your decision. My DH is a great man, when it suits him, but is not maternal at all. I sometimes feel like I have 2 kids and a big lump of a teenager in my houe. We have some very serious rows at times over the pressure I have on me, and he tries, for about 2 weeks, and then it's all back to normal. I have days when I am blissfully happy and then there are days when I'm in a heap. I like a clean tidy house and sometimes I find that I can keep better control over the place if he is not there! For example, the kids need to be in bed by 8.15 / 8.30 . I f I say to him, please organise bedtime tonight I've study to do, he flaps round the place and foreget what time it is, I constantly have to remind him that tiem is getting on and that they should be in their pj's by now - next ting you know, DD is overtired and wailing - it's now 9pm!!! Then I have to step in to calm her down and restore order! Thats just a sample of what my day is like, but I wouldnt change the kids for the worl, him maybe!!!! lol

Someone once said that soem women love their men till they get kids - then it's all abotu the kids - I think , perhaps, I love my kids more than him, but you know, if he was more involoved, then perhaps that would not be the case!!
Best of luck with it all - I really hope you work it out, even be sure you have sister, mum or firends onhand to step in if needs be, I havent anyone!!!

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