OH has changed his mind about kids - Please help

by **worried2012** » Thu Mar 08, 2022 5:24 pm

Guys,

I am a regular poster here but had to go anon for obsivious reasons...

so as my title suggests I am married 4 years we agreed long before we got married neither of us wanted kids soo all was fine until recently every few weeks my husband brings up the topic about kids my opinion still hasnt changed in fact I'm more against now than ever nothing to do with OH Im just not maternal etc, would hate that type of life for myself but he keeps going on about it every few weeks.

he thinks not now but maybe in the next year or two he would like a baby i def dont i am sick of defending myself etc he just wont let it go.

this was all agreed a long time ago now i know people change etc but i havent and the fact that he keeps bringing it up it really starting ti p*ss me off its like im being mean or something even though we both agreed even when we got married he was like no way...

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

O:|

babydust2012 · by **babydust2012** » Thu Mar 08, 2022 5:26 pm

Gosh I couldn't read and not reply, I really don't know what to say only keep the lines of communication open between you & I hope you sort it out.

by **Arwen20** » Fri Mar 09, 2022 11:24 am

Oh no you poor thing

I am the same as you, never have wanted kids and never will. After thoroughly discussing it with my fiance years ago he was delighted to not have to have them. Its been 7 years now and I can honestly say that as much as I adore him and want to spend my life with him, if he suddenly decided he wanted kids I would say we would break up.

Now I'm not suggesting this has to be the road for you, but if you are certain you won't change your mind(which I'm pretty sure you wont) and he is certain he wants kids then you will have to take a serious look at your future.

I know kids would ruin my life as I want to travel,keep my horse,enjoy my life and I will not give that up for anything or anyone. I was certain of that before I met my fiance and I am secure in my mind to never want to give my choice of life up

Good luck x

by **julon** » Fri Mar 09, 2022 12:25 pm

Hi, my friend was in the same situation. She didnt want them and he really did. Like you she said she hadnt a maternal bone in her body. However when she saw how important it was to him she reconsidered and they are now expecting their first child. So it depends, if it means that much to him- maybe it is something you could reconsider or if not then maybe its something you can discuss as I dont think the desire for children goes away once you've got it in your head you'd love one.

by **cbb1982** » Fri Mar 09, 2022 1:42 pm

Arwen20 wrote:Oh no you poor thing

I am the same as you, never have wanted kids and never will. After thoroughly discussing it with my fiance years ago he was delighted to not have to have them. Its been 7 years now and I can honestly say that as much as I adore him and want to spend my life with him, if he suddenly decided he wanted kids I would say we would break up.

Now I'm not suggesting this has to be the road for you, but if you are certain you won't change your mind(which I'm pretty sure you wont) and he is certain he wants kids then you will have to take a serious look at your future.

I know kids would ruin my life as I want to travel,keep my horse,enjoy my life and I will not give that up for anything or anyone. I was certain of that before I met my fiance and I am secure in my mind to never want to give my choice of life up

Good luck x

Was that meant to be horse???

by **worried2012** » Fri Mar 09, 2022 2:35 pm

Thanks a million for your replies i really appreciate it.

To be honest I’m never going to change my mind and up until 9 months ago i thought we were on the same page, and what’s more annoying is he doesn’t actually really want kids presay, he just thinks he will regret no having them later in life. So he feels he might as well IYKWIM. This attitude totally pisses me off if I’m honest. As all our friends have / or as having kids he feels we’re being left behind... i don’t... O:|

For me I’d rather regret not having them when I’m 60, than regret having them.

As for having a baby as a compromise, as in its what he wants and i want to keep him (my hubby). jesus that’s def not the way for me, I just don’t see how that’s in any way fair?
I would be the main carer etc, so it would be all me sacrificing EVERYTHING, so he can have his baby?
Eh no not for me. Don’t get me wrong I’m all for compromises really i am and marriage is all about working things out, but this for me doesn’t apply to having kids for him unless i want them too and i don’t and he has know this for 12 years :o(

Sorry girls... I’m just totally fed up, every time i give me reasons i feel like I’m defending myself over and over again.

:weep

Couchkitten · by **Couchkitten** » Fri Mar 09, 2022 3:22 pm

God I feel for you so much! I'm the same as you - I absolutely do not want to have children, at all, ever! Husband is pretty much the same as myself but if he changed his mind it's not something I could or would compromise on either - it's bringing a life into the world to be your responsibility for the next 18+ years, It's not something you can compromise on like picking a colour for the sitting room! To be completely honest I'm surprised that was even put out there.

I think the two of you need to sit down and have a good long talk about the issue and when you've done that and made a decision one way or the other, make it clear that you're not going to put up with the guilt trips every few weeks!

by **julon** » Fri Mar 09, 2022 4:01 pm

Im not sure if the compromise suggestion above came from my post but just to clarify I dont think deciding to have children is something like picking the colour of your walls or how that came about? If its not for you its not for you. Some people however (fortunately/unfortunately) do change their minds.. ..Anyway good lucks.

by **Ca cest moi** » Tue Mar 13, 2022 12:19 pm

Really don't know what to say except that I hope that you and your husband can communicate openly about this and are happy with your decision.

I do however agree with you fully that some people want to be parents and others don't. It doesn't make either the parents or those who don't want kids right or wrong, everyone has their own reasons and I think you are so right not to have children if you do not want them. I have two that I love more than the world but it is hard work (not that I would change it). I have a friend though who does not want children and people look at her like she has two heads. She is a lovely woman and is so good to my boys but being a mammy is just not for her and yet people keep constantly downtalking her and saying "ah sure you'll change your mind" or "how could you not want kids", I get so annoyed for her and wonder why people feel like they have the right to tell her how to live her life.

Best of luck to you.

by **worried2012** » Tue Mar 13, 2022 3:36 pm

julon wrote:Im not sure if the compromise suggestion above came from my post but just to clarify I dont think deciding to have children is something like picking the colour of your walls or how that came about? If its not for you its not for you. Some people however (fortunately/unfortunately) do change their minds.. ..Anyway good lucks.

sorry my compromise post wasnt amied at you at all im just saying i couldnt compromise at that level IFKWIM thanks for your posts appreciate it. :wv

by **worried2012** » Tue Mar 13, 2022 3:43 pm

Ca cest moi

Thanks for responding, you see the thing is we were happy with our decision and now he has changed his mind, so now i feel like its me against everybody else...

with regard to your friend who doenst want children being looked at as if she has ten heads. well i get this all the time , from neighbours and from work mates and im sick of it really>
I have had enough of people judging me based on my reproductive decisions. ive seriously had enough. it used to be us laughing at people reactions about us not wanting kids etc... now i feel like its everyone against me on this one O:|

Im not saying i dont like children not at all, ive have neices / nephews whom i all love dearly and spend lots of time with them and happy to do so I JUST DONT WANT MY OWN and im fed up justisfiying my reasons firstly to all the outsiders is my relationshp and now i have to do it inside too!
:weep

by **Ca cest moi** » Tue Mar 20, 2022 4:12 pm

Worried2012 sorry for the late reply but only getting to see this now.

My heart really goes out to you as there is no way people should make you feel like this about your own life decisions and you seem to be making the right choices for you and not just rushing through things. I bet you are a great Aunt to your nieces and nephews and love them dearly, my friend is the very same she just doesn't want to be a mammy. She is so good with children but for her lifestyle she is happy to love them and hand them back to their parents and I think this is a much better option than having children she really doesn't want. Who says all women have to be mothers, I never read that anywhere anyway.......

I would tell you not to bother answering people who question you so stupidly on this issue but that is really something that is easy for me to say sitting here. It must be very grating to say the least as I said I get fustrated for my own friend and it is not even me.

Is it an Irish thing I wonder:

you start going out .....turns into.....when are you getting engaged?

getting engaged......turns into......when are you getting married?(need date immediately)

get married.....turns into......when are you having kids/are you expecting every time you have a cold?

have a baby.......when are you having a brother/sister for little one.

don't have a baby......what do you mean you don't want children (with look of horror)

The biggest issue you have really though is with your OH. If he really wants children it is going to be a tough time ahead for you both when deciding what to do? Have you talked any more about it?

FastLane · by **FastLane** » Wed Mar 21, 2022 11:01 am

Hi worried,

Hope you and OH are getting on ok, have there been any updates?

I wanted to post as I'm having a similar but opposite issue at the moment and I know how unsolvable it seems! In my case, we'd always agreed on having children, in fact my OH was more insistent on it all along. I recently began talking about it casually and he said he's changed his mind and now doesn't see himself having a family at all.

I know that we have opposite problems but I can understand how floored you were at the change of heart, and for us at the moment there doesn't seem to be a way around this, I don't want to give up my dream of being a parent, but I always thought it would be his children I'd be having.

We're not married, which at the moment seems like a good thing, as it's heading for a break up by the looks of things. I hope this doesn't seem like a hijack of your post, just wanted to send a

and hope you can find a solution xx

by **worried2012** » Wed Mar 21, 2022 11:56 am

Fast lane and Ca Cest Moi...

Thanks you both for your replies, i appreciate them. :thnk

To be totally honest with you I just don’t know what to do.

We haven’t discussed it since, and i do realise the issue isn’t going to go away but I don’t want to discuss it at the moment, as I’m too angry.
I need time to think my way through this before i say something i regret, so I’m going to bide my time then bring up the issue again.

I know people change their minds, and they only have one life to live etc, so if that’s the case we are heading for serious trouble, if he can’t live without kids then fine, he should find someone else and live the life he wants with kids etc.

Me on the other hand I won’t be bullied / pushed into a life i don’t want and will cross this bridge when we come to it.

I just don’t know what to do :o(

that’s for all your support :thnk

by **Arwen20** » Wed Mar 28, 2022 11:49 am

cbb1982 wrote:Was that meant to be horse???

Yes it is, why? I want to keep my money to spend on my horse rather than a child

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