Time will tell a lot about where your relationship is heading, whether down the line you might reconcile as a couple or friends or neither. Obviously it is so tough being with someone for 9 yrs and then severing contact. You do what's right for you.


My brother and his now wife broke up after 7 yrs, it was definite, then they got back together and six months later he proposed.

Another friend of mine and her boyfriend broke up amicably but both were heartbroken after 6 yrs and they never speak now.

Everyone is different. Every situation is different. Time is great and if it's meant to be it will be. You have to think about what kind of life you want. Being together and not being happy is not worth it.

You deserve someone who wants to be with you 100%

Hello Fastlane,

I can totally relate to how you are feeling....I was in a similar situation about 7 years ago...reading your post, I go back immediately to how I felt at that time when he ended our relationship ended suddenly. LIke you, we were living together and were very close and everyone naturally expected that the next step would be engagement, marriage and a family. I just adored him and I know that he loved me. When it ended suddenly (by him) it's like you're whole world has come crashing down and all the hopes and expectations you have are suddenly evapourated. The rejection (as I felt it at that time) was so hard to comprehend. Even getting through a day was so hard and I was close to his family too. In retrospect though, my partner was (albeit unknown to many, including me) suffering from depression but was working in an interesting job they loved, and to others, an outgoing, energetic person and enthusiastic, bubbly friendly and so on. I was as devestated as I know you are feeling now. I fully understand everything you are going through now, and all those feelings about making contact - hearing their voice, seeing them, asking how they are, and so on.

I went through all the same things, collecting clothes and breaking up the mundane things of our lives. I'd love to say that it's strightforward but it isn't. It made it easier that we made arrangements for those things by text so I got to avoid being upset and being further upset by him being there as we moved apart. My family were very supportive though but the last thing I wanted to hear at that time was that things would get better, or that I would meet someone else. Or indeed (well-intentioned) but glib comments that I would meet someone else.

It took me a long time to pick up the pieces and I was very hurt but my friends were such a support. It also allowed me time to concentrate on myself and what I wanted to do with my life.

It won't help you now, but after we broke up, I would daydream about bumping into him again just to see him for one last time. Imagine then, over a year later, I did bump into him by chance in a supermarket. Talk about ground wanting to swallow me up. It was a rewarding experience though and I realised how much I had moved on, and that the time apart made me reaslise that we weren't right for each other....I walked away happier, with a sense of closure.

About 2 years later, I met someone else, a person who has absolutely transformed my life and whom I subsequently married. I never thought that would happen, or that I would meet anyone like my previousu partner again. I did though, as so will you.

You don't need to hear that now, as you are going through the horrible, difficult, heart-breaking and gut-wrenching part. Many of us have been there though. Take strength (as much as you can) from that. It will be hard in the coming weeks and days, but stay strong. Make lists of what you need to achieve each day and just get those out of the way. It's an achievement and will help concentrate your thoughts. Check with your employer to see if you can shorten your notice period and lean on family and friends to help with the logistics of moving.

I wish you all the strength you need to get through this Fastlane. It will be terribly hard, painful and sad -I know and sympathise with you - particularly about being so upset, disappointed and terribly hurt. There are many of us who have been through it though and I wish you all the very best.
PepperlovesAuntie.

FastLane i am truly sorry to see this post opened again , i had hoped that no news was good news.
Everyone has given you great advice and i have nothing to add except take care of yourself and dont rush back to England. Stay with your family and friend for now. They can help you through this and know just what you need.
Please come back on and chat it out with us , hopefully it will help mend a broken and shocked heart.

Oh Fastlane, i'm so sorry for how everything has turned out for you. Your OH was obviously going through a very difficult time, sounds like depression to me, and of course the upshot is completely devastating to you. I went through something similar years ago when my ex dumped me suddenly and unceremoniously over the thoughts of moving forward with our relationship. It was totally out of the blue and it took me the guts of a year to move forward with my life.

My advice is feel how you are feeling. They say that for every year of a relationship that breaks up it takes a month to heal, so you have 9 months, or longer, if you need it. Take the time to be devastated, you are grieving a very real loss and it is like a death, so let yourself be sad. If you can go for counselling do, i used to just go there and sit and cry but i got it all out and it helped. Also, unlike others i needed to talk to him regularly. Partly just to hear his voice, and i needed to know that he still cared how i was feeling and also to help me understand what had gone wrong. I think nearly every phone call for the first 3 months ended with both of us crying but i couldn't stop myself from communicating with him as he'd been such a big part of every day. In the end i went away for a month and i never called him again, it broke the habit i guess.

No one knows what will happen with you and your OH. You may get back together or you may not but in the meantime, be kind to yourself. A nice hot bath, a glass of favourite wine, a cuddle with a pet, these are all small things but they are good things to help heal you.

I hope that in some small way our words of encouragement help you to feel a bit better xxx

Thanks to all of you for all your lovely messages, I really am grateful

Against a lot of advice when he phoned last night I spoke to him, and it was so upsetting for both of us, and of course nothing changed and I don't think I felt any better having spoke to him. But it was a relief in some ways, as for the previous couple of days my mind was just preoccupied with wanting to talk to him.

It did help me open up to my parents though, as I was so upset after the call. Up until now they've both been there for me, held my hand when I cried and did what they could, but I haven't really talked much to them. But last night it helped me open up and had a good proper talk so I suppose that's good. He says that he's finding it difficult going home to am empty house and not talking to me.. and that things haven't gotten any easier since I left. He seemed upset that I'm not returning to work, as we both thought when I left that I'd have to go back today. He kept just saying though that it's too much for him, and he can't see a way out of it and he needs to be on his own for awhile to sort out what's going on in his head.

I know that there's nothing I can do to force it now, and that I shouldn't want to anyway, and should only want to be with him if he wants the same etc. But when you've planned a future with someone it's so hard to just forget it. Even though I know it's unlikely, and that things would be extremely difficult, I am still holding out hope that we can fix it together eventually. My family have suggested that I talk to his Mam, because he clearly needs someone to be there for him and now it's not me. I know he has talked to her, but not sure how much he's told her. I am very close to her but she's so soft-hearted and a huge worrier, and I don't want to give her a fright, or go behind his back either, but I do want to make sure that someone else is aware of what's going on, and is regularly talking to him. What do you think?

As i was reading your post i was thinking " i hope she has been in contact with someone who can keep an eye on him". I think your family is right and you need to talk to him mum . She needs to know what a dark place her son is in and hopefully she can help him through this difficult time.

Glad you were able to open up to your family , they know you best and can offer wisdom (took me 29 years to realise my mum knows a bit about life ) and support.

+1 on everything IanStuart said. You are doing so well being able to share and verbalise your feelings.

Hi girls,

I don't really expect any replies to this.. and maybe it seems like I'm dragging it out, it just seems to help to write everything down.

I haven't spoken to him since, and told him that it's probably best if we don't talk, but I still keep checking my phone and email, hoping that he gets in touch. It's stupid I know. I had asked if he would consider still meeting in NY to discuss things, as it's all paid for and nonrefundable, but he said he couldn't, it would just be too much for him. He then suggested coming home when he gets back to talk, but when I said that it wouldn't work being in his/my parents house and talking he seemed to just forget about that idea. I'm not sure there would be any point either, not unless things have drastically changed on his part.

I've decided to go away and spend a few days with my friend during the time we were supposed to be in America. I know it'll be good to spend time with her, and I am looking forward to it, but I'm not very good company at the moment and go between excitement and dread at the thoughts of having to be sociable.

I know it's to be expected, but I just can't help bursting into tears randomly, I haven't really left the house all week and can't bear to think about doing anything or talking to anyone apart from my family. Every single thing reminds me of him, and it's like I keep remembering over and over that I've lost him now and am on my own.

I have to go back to the UK next weekend for an appointment I have no choice but to attend, and the thoughts of it make me feel awful. He won't be there, as he's away with work, but I think walking into our house and seeing all our things is going to be so hard. We haven't even talked yet about who keeps what etc. I asked him on the phone the other night if he thought there was no chance whatsoever for us in the future, and he said he couldn't answer that. It makes me think there might be some hope, but I don't even want to think that as it's like it prolongs the torture!

I know that everyone keeps saying that in time I'll get over it and meet someone else, but I can't even think of being over him at this stage. I feel ridiculous every time I get upset, but I can't help it. I know he's hurt me so much, but I still miss him and want to be with him more than anyone else. Feckit I wish I could fast forward to a stage where I don't wake up feeling sick and spend the day waiting til it's time to go to sleep again.

Thanks again for the support everyone xx

Oh Fast Lane you poor thing. It's terrible how you're feeling. I don't know if this will make you feel better but I'll say it anyway. You are suffering from nothing less than a broken heart. It's a horrible, horrible thing to go through. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I've been there myself and I have a close friend going through a similar break up at the moment. It's nothing short of torture.

But it WILL get better, you must remember that. Don't lose hope in your future. You will be happy again, time really is the best healer. Spend time with your friends and family. Don't blame yourself or your ex. It's not about anybody's fault. Just let the two of you go your own ways for a while and who knows what the future holds but it's got to be better than this!

Hey FASTLANE - I'm so sorry for all that has happened to you, and that I'm only reading this now. All I can say is that this all happened to me with my love of 11 years!
I was 26 and we had been together for almost 10 years and had just bought a house a few months earlier. The 'when we get married' and the 'when we have babies' converssations were flowing all the time, after all, we bought house that had a lovely safe garden for kids! Then one day out of the blue, while walking home from work together he just casually sys ' I dont think I'll ever want to get maried or have kids'. He didnt realise how it affected me, but I was devestated and after 2 years of trying to 'fix it' I realised that he had really spoken the truth before. I realise now that he was stressed about us as he was falling out of love with me and didnt know how to handle it. It was coming to crunch time and he just couldnt do it! I now see what was happening and he was really upset too, as he did love me, but just couldnt marry me.
The depression, I think for your e,x was due to not knowing how to end the relationship. He does still love you, but going further is just not something he can do.
I now respect and thank my ex for not getting married and then leaving me with the babies! I was free to move on, it was hard, but I did it, and am now married with 2 LO's. After all theses years my ex and I are great friends, we even visit eachother and our kids hang out!
I guess I'm trying to tell you that your ex doent know how to deal with not being in love anymore and is so sad at doing this to you, but it seems its the right thing to do. You need to stop communication , at least for a year or so and be open to letting new people into tyour life. It will take time, and perhaps a couple of men later, but you will be able to see it for what it is!
I hope my story helps!
Big love to you and massive hugs xxxxxxxxx

Hiya Fastlane,

I'm so sorry for the heartbreak you're feeling right now.
I just wanted to add my own personal piece of advice, obviously you know best in this whole situation but its just about trying to protect yourself a bit more.
If you do meet up in person, i really strongly advise that you do it somewhere neutral or public, in situations like that its so easy to end up in bed together because its comforting and familiar but it'll be short lived, and make you feel even more hurt & confused & lonely afterwards. it'd be like starting the process all over again.
I know people talk about break up s*x as a last fling, but unless the break up is mutual, without any feelings of rejection, it really doesnt help things in any way.
i hope your time away helps you

Hi folks,

Thanks. StarLilly, there's no chance of that happening with us! I have to go back to the UK at the weekend but he won't be there, and I've no idea when I'll see him again. I've just sent him an email to pass on a message from our landlady and I feel sick watching my inbox to see if he replies!
He sent a text the other night, to 'see if I was ok' but I didn't reply, it's hard and horrible but I didn't see the point. I've had times when I feel ok and maybe a bit positive, but then it always fades and I crumple again. This SUCKS!! Sorry for the pity party

Fastlane. I've just stumbled onto this thread and had to respond. It sounds awful what you're going through, I can't even imagine how I would be in that situation and cannot offer any advice because I'd be stumped myself.

I just had to post to say stay strong, and try your best to see the positive side of things (this sounds redundant but I think it's always good to focus on the good when you're down) and that I hope you have a nice trip with your friend. I hope things pick up for you!

Hi Fastlane,

I wasnt trying to be insensitive with what i said, i was just saying that you're feeling very vulnerable at the moment and that the familiarity of that person can make it seem like a way to comfort yourself.
I hope you're feeling ok and that you're being supported by those around you

I have nothing to add but I just feel your pain from your posts. I've been with my other half for tem years and funnily enough we have also came to the UK for work. I couldn't imagine life without him but your post reminds us all how fragile life really is.

I wish you all the happiness in the world, I know you will find it. Good luck with everything and remember the famous cliche, what's meant to be will be and what is for you won't pass you x