Hi everyone,

This is more of a release of worry and tension than a request for help, but I would appreciate any thoughts if you manage to get through, I fear it might be a long one..

I've been with my OH for 9 years, since we met in college. Obviously over the years there have been tough times, and of course we've each changed through our 20's, but overall I think we have had a great relationship. We're extremely close, supportive of each other and each others' best friends. I thought we were a team and especially over the last 3 years since we moved in together. 18months ago we moved to the UK for his job, which is a great one that he loves and is doing well at. When we moved, our plan was always to hopefully move home in a few years, ideally before having a family. We completely agreed on this and over the years he has often (really often!) talked about getting engaged and having children. In fact, he said years ago that if I didn't want kids it would be a dealbreaker as he 'had' to be a dad. Not a problem, I really want a family.

Last month I went home for a week, and I love being there, am very close to my family and love seeing them all. I also spent time with friends who've just had babies, got engaged etc. and had a lovely week. When I came back I was talking about this and saying that I can't wait til we're in the same position, would love to have babies now etc. About a week after this, he told me that he had changed how he felt, no longer could imagine moving home (ever) and at the moment couldn't see himself having children. Needless to say I was completely shocked, and devastated and we spoke about breaking up. However, it had come so out of the blue that I couldn't get my head around it, and didn't want to make a rash decision after being together happily for so long.

We sort of put it aside for a week, thought it would give us both space to think, but again last night talked and again it goes around in circles and he says he can't see a way around breaking up because I still want a family and to eventually move home, and he doesn't. However, this time, instead of just saying he didn't want children, he completely broke down.. and I mean I've never ever seen him this upset about anything. He's in bits over feeling that way because he says he's always wanted to be a dad, and now can't understand why he's changed his mind. He was literally doubled over crying, struggling to breathe etc. and I got such a shock seeing him like that. He says that now when he thinks of having a family, he feels overwhelmingly sad, but can't understand or explain why. He says he can only imagine sad things (e.g. baby dying/one of us dying and being left alone etc).

I think there must be something else at the root of his feelings, but I do believe that he genuinely doesn't understand it himself. He says that he still loves me and can't imagine a future without me, and when I asked him if he does want kids just not with me, he got really upset and said he's only ever imagined our kids. I'm so heartbroken and upset, I really don't know what to do.

I'm sorry for such a long post, but I don't really have anyone to turn to over here, and I know that the wollies are always great and supportive. I cannot imagine my life without him, obviously I know that people get over this sort of thing all the time, but I feel like everything I imagined for my future is being taken away. I love his family and always thought I would be part of it, I feel like an auntie to his nephews and always thought we'd be having our own kids to add to the family. I'm so overwhelmed and I know that if he really does feel like that and it's not going to change then I have to leave, but I don't feel strong enough to do that. I can't leave when I don't understand why he has changed so much. Girls, I need some help with this,

Try to put engagement and family to the side for a while , i think your partner is in a bad place.Hows work? Is he under a lot of pressure / stress?? Do you think he could be a little depressed? When he said he can only imagine bad things happening to yous and the baby makes me think he might be feeling a bit down ?
You should have a very honest talk with him and explain your worried and how he is behaving is a little out of character for him. Talk talk talk to him and hopefully yous will get to the bottom of it.

Sorry i dont have more advice .

Oh I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I hate replying to topics like this as I feel like I have nothing worthwhile to say to you but I can't just leave you hanging either. I have no easy answers for you, I'm sorry but I don't. I asked H2B for a male perspective and he said at first it sounded to him like a guy who wanted out of a relationship as he'd found someone else but when I got to the bit about your OH being really upset he said that doesn't make sense, and didn't sound like a guy who wanted to leave for someone else after all.
The only thing you can do is keep talking to your OH. Help him figure out what it is that has changed his mind in this way, something must have done so, these changes don't just happen overnight. If he, for whatever his reasons, decides that he just does not want to have children ever, then you need to decide what matters more to you, being with your OH or potentially being a mother. I know it would be a dealbreaker for me, without question, but you may decide differently.
9 years together is a long time and I agree you're not going to want to throw it away rashly. Would you two consider going to couples counselling together? That way you can talk through this issue, and perhaps your OH can figure out why he has started to feel this way about being a father.
Again, I'm really sorry that life is being an a$$ for you right now, it's not fair but you know you always have the Wollies here if you ever need to talk

Best of Luck!

ianstuart wrote:Try to put engagement and family to the side for a while , i think your partner is in a bad place.

I agree with this. WHen I read the first bit of your post I thought, "oh dear, he's just changed his mind or met someone else or just is not interested in her anymore" but when I read the bit about him breaking down and crying and saying how worried about the future he was I thought "he sounds depressed". I kind of get the impression from your post that rather than being not interested in a future with you, he's scared of the responsibility of it.

I realise for you, this is awful, you want to get on with your future and settling down and now he's putting a spanner in the works....I wouldn't give up on him yet though. As ianstuart said, put the getting married and having babies thing on hold for a bit. Tell him you love him and want to be with him and that he doesn't seem himself. With a bit of time, a bit of pressure off and maybe if he feels he'd like it, some counselling, something tells me he'll come around.

Best of luck.

I dont really have much advice for you either but didnt want to not reply.

It could just be being in a long term relationship its always great making plans for the future etc and now that the future is here that he got a bit of a shock.

He says he cant imagine a future without you so at least he knows something, the rest might just take a bit of him getting used to.

Talk to him about work or if theres anything else going on , maybe get him to go and speak to a counsellor.
Men are normally terrible about talking about this sort of thing and they just let it build up and make it 10 times worse.

Be supportive and dont push too much on him, I know thats easier said than done but sometimes it helps to look at it from the other side (i.e if you had all this building up and finally told him) or even from an outside view (if it were your friend who had this with her OH)

I hope everything works out for you.

Thanks guys, it's really lovely just to get such kind replies from you. I think you're all right about him being down and depressed, and yes IanStuart he is stressed and under a lot of pressure at work at the moment. He has said himself that little things all seemed to come together and seemed like a huge problem and then it all came out in one go last month.

He made an appointment to see a counsellor, and is going this evening after work. But last night he said that he feels like he can't "keep me hanging on hoping that he'll change his mind when he can't promise that that will happen". I really hope, for himself as well as for us that the counselling helps him. I've got a background in that area though and while I realise than I'm not objective in this situation, I've tried to talk about it from various angles to see if any of it makes sense to him, and he says he just can't understand it.

Over the past couple of years 3 of our friends have had traumatic times during pregnancy/birth but he doesn't think this is the problem as all of those families are doing great now, and it never seemed to affect him at the time (of course he was concerned but not like this). I came home the other day to find him in floods of tears watching the news about the kids who died in the Belgium bus crash, and immediately thought that he's depressed, this is a really extreme reaction. He doesn't think he's necessarily depressed, but is obviously going through a really hard time. He was joking around up until a week before I went home last month about having babies and how we'd have to choose a family friendly holiday destination next year etc.! Now I know that while we've both talked about having a baby and both wanted it, that it's at least a couple of years before it's feasible, so I don't think I've put him under any pressure.

I'm not sure if we're just at different stages in our feelings about the future. I've been finished education and working for several years now, but he did a lot of postgraduate work and while he's been working for almost 2 years now, it's really only now that he's started to get lots of exciting opportunities to progress. I totally understand this and am willing to stay here with him, realistically he'd never get the same chance at home, but I don't think I could give up the chance to be a mother.

Of course if I thought (like some of you first did) that he was looking for excuses to end the relationship then I might be able to leave, but I'm so worried about him and I really really can't imagine my future without him. Sorry, another long message but thanks again for your replies xx

Really hope the counselling helps him. You seem like a rock solid girlfriend that he's super lucky to have. I hope it works out for ye.

Sorry to hear you are going throught this

Agree with you and other posters that depression is quite likely here from your description of all the negative thinking .Hope your OH finds the counselling helpful

HOWEVER you do need to look after yourself here.You have been in a relationship for 9 years and are prob the age where marriage is the next step. If having the opportunity to try for children is a dealbreaker for you you need to admit that (to yourself at least - if your OH is depressed it will prob put more pressure on him to hear that at the moment), and decide a time frame you are willing to work with e.g 3 to 6 months. I think the others are right to try and avoid engagement talk etc although I can really understand that that's very hard (and disappointing).

I have had friends in similar situations with different outcomes - 1 is now happy and getting married to the guy (she was just at the marriage stage a bit earlier than him) and unfortunately the other split up .

I hope your situation works out but please don't end up spending years waiting for him to change his mind

Best wishes

I think the fact that he booked his own councelling is a very telling sign, Men usually have to be steered, alot, in that direction.

When i read your comment about the crash in Belgium and how upset he was when you arrived home, this rang bells for me, I had depression a good few years ago and ended up being hospitalised, I found things that very upsetting then, as in, if that was me now, I would have been sitting watching the news last week the exact same as your OH bawling crying. I hope he gets on well tonight, you sound like a very supportive girlfriend.
Also I wouldnt make any rash decisions about leaving over the family situation. He obviously isn't in the frame of mind at all. Even if he does decide, I would give it a few months, at least, 9 years is alot to walk away from.

Good luck!

Thanks again everyone for your support. It's so hard to talk about this to my family or friends as I don't want them adding to pressure (in trying to help) or knowing so much detail about our problems if we do manage to sort things out. They know that we're struggling at the moment but not the ins and outs of it. It's lovely to be able to come on here and let it all out!

Things seemed more hopeful yesterday, he came home early from work and we went for a really long walk on the beach and talked, then for lunch and he said that it was lovely and that we hadn't done it for ages and seemed much calmer. Then when we got home he got really really upset again, and asked me to leave and said that he couldn't sort himself out while I was there, as everytime he looks at me he just feels overwhelmingly sad about our future. But at the same time he was saying that he can't imagine life without me, and that I'm the only one who could help him cope, and that he didn't want his nephews to lose their 'aunty'.

So I really don't know where I am. After hours of both of us being really upset, he agreed to try for a bit longer. I'm trying to help him see that he felt happy for years, and has only felt like this for a few weeks, and that eventually he'll come out of this and won't feel like it forever. I don't want to be pressuring him anymore, but I'm so heartbroken at the thought of leaving, and him being here by himself in this state, and both of us maybe regretting it later (I know I would).

I love him so much, but he said yesterday that he didn't feel like I did, and that he felt worthless and useless (all sounds like depression to me). And no matter what I said he still said that our relationship has changed too much (but hasn't seemed like this to me). Maybe I've just been in denial that things were ok, and I know it hasn't been perfect and after being together for such a long time there were probably times where we took each other for granted, but I definitely hadn't realised things had got this bad.

I feel stupid and pathetic basically begging him to keep trying and not to throw away our whole relationship when we haven't tried yet to fix things, but I really don't think I could just leave. I know that if this continues and after counselling etc. that he still doesn't see a future or a family with me then I have to leave, but I just don't want to give up when that still might change for him. I don't know what to do!

How did your OH get on with the councillor ? Hopefully with regular councilling (maybe 2 - 3 a week ) things will start looking up soon and he will start to feel a lot better. Keep up the long walks and talks.
Sorry dont have better advice.

It really sounds like he is depressed.He may have underlying doubts about the relationship but he/you won't know that unless the depression is treated
At the moment I think the depression is clouding his thinking.It is understandable that you don't want to leave him when he is feeling so down, but on the other hand how do you deal with him saying he is not sure you have a future and being asked to leave? Is there a possibility of you explaining the situation to one of his friends or family members - it sounds like he needs someone with him at the moment - If someone counld stay with him while he gets started on the counselling etc (I really think you should get him to see a doctor aswell - it is possible he may have thoughts of hurting himself that he hasn't discussed with you) you could then give him some breathing space without worrying about him.

Fastlane I really hope things work out for you and Oh.

Thanks buddylove, and everyone else.

I haven't updated since because felt like I rambled on and on.. but thanks for reading.

Things since have been really up and down, some days not so bad, other days awful. We've both had a counselling session (separately) and while I feel it helped me being able to talk to someone, he didn't, but is going to try again.

He's still very upset, worried, anxious and stressed about things. It feels like we're really distant, there's very little physical affection between us, and if there is it's always from me, which is really out of the ordinary for us. We can't seem to chat easily in the same way we used to, and I feel like I'm always watching to ensure I don't make things worse. But at the same time, I feel like I'm being really clingy and insecure because all I want is for him to just give me a hug and tell me he loves me so I'm much needier than I usually am, but trying to give him space as well! It's like I know what I should do.. but just can't really do it!

We went to one of his colleague's weddings at the weekend and it was nice but also terrible, because everyone was making little comments about us being next etc. And this always happens, but we always laugh it off. But it was really awkward at the weekend, and at one stage the bride came up and said "you're at a wedding now, I hope he's been telling you how much he loves you all day" .. and when she left he just said, "I'm really sorry" and we both got kind of upset. It feels like our whole relationship has been turned upside down!

Jeez, there's goes another massive post, sorry folks, feel free to ignore!