Hi All,

New to this site and first time poster so please bear with me! I'd like some advice and here is the full story, might be a bit long winded!

Going out with the OH for just over year and a half, living together for 9 months, we are both in our mid 30's and both working. OH is very loving, caring, attentive and tells me all the time how much I mean to him. We have a great life together, have lots of fun and loads of things in common.

The story goes that last August we went looking for engagement rings just to see how much they are and to set a budget, I saw one I fell in love with and insisted we put a deposit on it, he was not so keen on deposit as I learned after this day that he had some saving to do. The following month we went on holidays and all we talked about was marriage, wedding, honeymoon, kids, where we would like to live and he told me to 'get excited'. Needless to say, nothing happened on the holiday and I was bitterly disappointed. When we got home he told me about his finances and he just needed a couple of months to get all in order. Early December, my birthday, weekend away in a fabulous castle, we talked the whole way there about marriage, wedding, honeymoon, kids (he brought it up) and he said the most loving things and was all about me. At dinner he played with my hand and took a ring I had on off my finger and was playing putting in my wedding finger. The following day we went on a big long walk in the forest and I could hardly breath as I was totally convinced that it was going to happen. Obviously, since I am writing this post, nothing happened. I was so so disappointed and I told him. He apologised and explained that he had a plan and it would happen so just sit back and relax. I went home at Christmas and to be honest I retreated a bit because I was just so disappointed and let down. He visited at Christmas and we went back to the shop where the ring was on hold. With buckets of encouragement from him we looked at the ring and I changed my mind (mainly because they were having a sale after xmas and an even nicer ring was now within our budget) We had a frank conversation and he said it will happen in January - February. I relaxed immediately knowing that there would be an end to this stress that was building up inside me.

Then we went back to our daily lives and to be honest we were not getting on too well for most of February, we were just generally sparking off each other. This I know now was because I was on too high alert waiting for the proposal, every time he suggested doing anything my heart would skip a beat. Also, I was (and still am) carrying some resentment and hurt from the previous disappointments. I feel I have put myself out there, presented myself to him and if he's not snapping my hand off he doesn't really want to do it. End of February came and went and he said that putting a time limit on it like that was a mistake and he just wants to relax for a week or two and then it will all happen. Here we are 26th March, one month since that conversation and nothing has happened. The reason I am writing this today is last night I was updating the calendar with all the stuff we have coming up and there is not a free weekend till MAY. I got so depressed all of a sudden thinking that I have two more months to wait minimum and I have already been on the edge of my seat since last August. I am honestly worn out and I could only write this here, it had taken from the occasion and I have negative feelings towards the whole thing. Now a situation has developed where I am cross at him a lot of the time and in order to regain some control of the situation I keep giving out to him about doing jobs in the house. I'm driving myself and him mad, I can feel it and I'm sick of myself but I actually can't help it, the feelings just overwhelm me. I have lots of friends and a close family (not living near them) but I have not told them any of this.
One other aspect of this situation that is significant is that my last relationship ended suddenly after three years, we discussed marriage, babies, moving in together and two days later he broke it off. I have no regrets from that relationship and it was DEFINITELY the right decision to end it, we were not happy and didn't go together well but I think my fear is compounded in this relationship because of the experience in the last. OH does not know this information as he prefers not to know anything about ex's.


Here are my questions:
How long is reasonable to wait or am I dealing with a complete commitment phobe who keeps putting it off?
I am thinking of suggesting taking the engagement thing off the table and when he is ready to do it then he can bring it up. This is in an effort to make myself relax and stop expecting it all the time. Is this advisable?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

blaidnaid wrote:I am thinking of suggesting taking the engagement thing off the table and when he is ready to do it then he can bring it up. This is in an effort to make myself relax and stop expecting it all the time. Is this advisable?

Think you've hit the nail on the head here. You guys are only in a relationship 18 months so it can be overwhelming for anyone (male or female) making such a life changing decision even when its been something you've both discussed and wanted. I think you are putting alot of unnecessary stress to the relationship by waiting on a proposal that he's promised is coming? Maybe he wants to completely surprise you when you least expect it but it seems to be you are expecting it all the time. Just give yourself a breather, what's the harm in waiting a little longer, you obviously think he's worth the wait if you are planning on marrying him. Give it time

It's still very early days in your relationship.When me and my oh started going out we discussed all these things too,it took 12 years for the proposal to come,but i wasn't living for it.I wanted to get our house first,and know that we could stick each other! I got engaged christmas 2010 and OH had bought the ring in July,and was just waiting for the right time to do it. I agree that you should put the whole engagement thing to the back of your head and let him pop the question when he feels ready...

Completely agree with the OP, you really need to relax on this one. Guys are guys and there is no way he is going to propose while you are putting this amount of pressure on - that's just the way they work! Plus you are just going to drive yourself crazy and possibly even him away if you continue this way. Relax, it will happen when you least expect it!

babydust2012 wrote:

blaidnaid wrote:I am thinking of suggesting taking the engagement thing off the table and when he is ready to do it then he can bring it up. This is in an effort to make myself relax and stop expecting it all the time. Is this advisable?

Think you've hit the nail on the head here. You guys are only in a relationship 18 months so it can be overwhelming for anyone (male or female) making such a life changing decision even when its been something you've both discussed and wanted. I think you are putting alot of unnecessary stress to the relationship by waiting on a proposal that he's promised is coming? Maybe he wants to completely surprise you when you least expect it but it seems to be you are expecting it all the time. Just give yourself a breather, what's the harm in waiting a little longer, you obviously think he's worth the wait if you are planning on marrying him. Give it time

Totally agree with the above hun, I know couples who were going out years before getting engaged. He also might to make sure he can afford the wedding before asking you so that ye don't have a long engagement. I think the main thing is that ye have discussed it and know at least that it's something ye both want in the future.

Hi Blaidnaid,
I'd have to agree with the girls above. it can be so frustrating waiting for something like this to happen. I know its hard but you do need to just relax in the knowledge that you are both on the same page with regards to where you're relationship is going. Being told by your O.H that a proposal and ring is coming soon would have anybody on edge. I'd be a nervous wreck. maybe just sit down and have an open talk, no pressure, no blame and no immediate expectations. I was going out with my fella for three and a half years before he popped the question, we'd been talking about it and looking at rings for about a year and a half before. I think I would have strangled him if he had left it much longer I basically just had to pull back a little, relax and think that if it was meant to happen it would. instead of having short timeframes, I'd say to myself hopefully by this time next year. But my O.H never gave a time frame when we talked about things so that probably helped. I kept telling myself that he would do it when he was 100% ready to. I can understand how disappointed you must feel. maybe say to your O.H to do it if and when he is really ready but not to give you a time frame as that puts pressure on both of ye. I hope it all works out, enjoy your time together now, relax and try not to put too much pressure on yourselves xx

Hi blaidnaid, I had similar situation with my hubby I loved him so much I just wanted to be married asap I plagued the poor man, I knew after 6 weeks he was the one for forever, but it took him another three years for him to propose. We spoke about marriage babies and being engaged but my hubby wasn't ready till it was right for him. I know he adore me but I pushed and pushed and it lead to so much upset and hurt and resentment, but if I was honest it was all my fault, I was just so impatient.

Please God all will go as planned for you, try relaxing and allowing your future hubby the time to ask you when he is completely ready himself. I know easier said than done very best of luck!

Definitely agree with all above, I knew from day one that I wanted to marry my OH, we told each other after 3 days that we loved each other - mad I know. In the end though it took us 8 years to get engaged. There was never any doubt we would get married and we always talked about it and god did I want that ring bad but in the end I realised it would happen at the right time.
Finally happened last month and it was worth the wait. If you keep planning weekends when he can propose it will take all the fun out of it. Just relax and enjoy being a couple.
Best of luck xx

Ok I hope I don't sound too harsh here- u are a lucky girl u have a person in ur life who loves u and respects u. He has said he wants to marry u so why don't u just relax and let the man do it in his own time. U seem like a rational woman but u are going to ruin it for ur self and him if u carry on like this!

Hi Blaidnaid,
While I agree with the others here that you should try to relax a little and let things happen naturally, I can sympathise with you over the mixed signals you're getting. A lot of us ladies just know when we have met the right person and im sure you do as you are obviously so keen to get married to him. I do think he is every bit into you but I don't think he gets how hard it is for you when he chats away about marriage, babies etc and then nothing happens. Maybe you should point it out to him the next time he brings it up? My DH took his sweet time, 6 years before popping the question. He is fairly horizontal though, I would have gotten hitched a lot earlier. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus?! I hope it happens for you soon and that it's all it's meant to be! Good luck!

Listen missus - Do yourself a favour and chill the f*** out! I was in the same boat as you and i do completely sympathise but believe me you're going to ruin it for yourself AND him with all this pressure. Relax, be nice to the guy and it will happen. Do as someone else suggested, put a timescale of a year on it not a month. If he hasn't proposed by April 2013 THEN you can let rip at him best of luck

Do you want a future and a good relationship with this person or just an engagement! Getting engaged is not the be all and end all! A good solid relationship is what matters! I can say this now after coming out the otherside! Try to forget it (really hard I know) and go with the flow and enjoy your relationship! From your behaviour u describe in your post why would he want to marry u if u are being so demanding and irritable?

While I understand your frustration ,I think you are missing the bigger picture.

Outside of the engagement issue, are you happy in your relationship?
If the answer is yes, then why are you stressing. I don't mean to patronise you and I am sure you are aware that relationships are not made up of a few "big days", e.g. engagement, wedding, etc. You will have the same relationship that you have now when you are engaged and when you are married. It's the relationship that's important, not the title.

Also, you say you don't have a free weekend until May. Do you need to go away to get engaged? Couldn't he propose at home?

I completely understand what you are going through!! i am with my oh 7 and a half years and living together 1 year and a half. I feel the same way so you are not alone. it can be very upsetting and frustrating waiting for it to happen. I was lead to believe that I was going to be getting engaged last summer. we had talked about it, went to wedding fairs, looked at venues and then when it came down to it my oh decided that he wasnt ready, we broke up for a couple of weeks and are now back on track. He is a lot more open about the idea now and i KNOW we are on the same page and want the same things but its very hard when you are ready for the next step and it just doesnt seem to be happening.
I put myself through so much stress last yr just thinking about it and it was so hard so I do agree that its good to try and put it to the back of your mind and just let it happen (even though i do find myself slipping sometimes). I hope it happens for you soon but know that what you are feeling it completely normal and its ok to want to take the next step.

I'm going to go against what many people said...

I think 18 months is a LONG TIME if you're in your mid-30s!

If you're in your teens or 20s, 18 months is reasonable. But in your mid 30s??? A man should be ready for marriage after 18 months if he's in his mid 30s. It's PLENTY PLENTY of time.

Am I misreading, or are you putting pressure on him to get you an expensive ring? Maybe your ring standards are high and he doesn't have the money?