Not getting on with DH...

by **mommalou** » Wed Mar 14, 2022 9:22 pm

We are just argueing a lot... especially since x-mas. We had a bit of a meltdown there last week and he said "that the marriage was not as good as he was expecting it to be", and that the house was in a mess (which is was) and that we weren't having sex as much as he thought we would be (which is probably true too).
I'm really down over it. I tidied up the house, and we are working on our sex life. But I have noticed that we don;t have much to say to each other when we come in from work in the evening. I've been crying a lot over it and its really getting me down.d
We didn't live together before we got married. I wonder are we just trying to adjust to living together.
We got married 10 months ago. Is anyone else out there feeling like this ???
Are we doomed ?? If we are like this during the first year - what will we be like in a few years time.

Thanks for listening

RoseDawson · by **RoseDawson** » Thu Mar 15, 2022 11:22 am

I think we all go through times like this at one stage or another, it can by very hard living together for the first time.

The cooking and cleaning and day to day life kinda gets in the way of all the romance you had before you lived together if you get me.

Make a bit of time for each other, go out to dinner or just get a DVD in and share a tub of ben and Jerrys on the couch.

Talking is key really, if your feeling a bit down say that to OH, say I'm feeling a little down at the moment can we go for a night out or trip to the cinema or whatever and just reconnect.

And make sure OH knows if he wants a tidy house he should get tidying him self too. To be fair my OH is not great at cleaning but he would never give out to me if the house is not perfect.

You are in no way doomed, this is normal for most relationships and will pass.

squonk · by **squonk** » Thu Mar 15, 2022 12:05 pm

I've heard it takes 2 years for people to completely settle in to living together, and I'd believe it, with the best will in the world and absolutely adoring each other we wanted to kill each other about half the time in the first 18 months living together. Different ways of doing things, the loss of the "date" feeling when you see each other, adjusting to the other person's ways and routine all take time. It was very tough for us as I became sick within 5 months of me moving in, then I lost my job, started a business from home and my h2b started a new and very demanding job, all while we were gutting and redecorating his house, that he would happily live in if it was filthy and falling down around him.

There were times when both of us thought we were about to break up, three times I thought about moving out, but it all worked out in the end, and we got engaged a couple of months ago. Just this morning I had a go at him for not cleaning up after I made dinner last night (that's the rule here, one cooks the other cleans it up), but 5 minutes later we were fine again.

I can imagine having the pressure of just being married must be very tough when you're trying to get used to living with someone, I'd have to live with someone first to make sure we didn't kill each other! :o0

frankenbride · by **frankenbride** » Thu Mar 15, 2022 1:42 pm

If you have only lived with him since the wedding then I would class this as normal.

I am now living with my OH almost 6 years (that just scared me a bit) and we used to kill each other constantly. Our fights now are mini explosions soon followed by someone making a cup of tea. He also gives out about the house and his clothes not being washed but he knows where the hoover is and he can iron better than me

It is funny though cos when ye aren't living together when you arrange to meet up you make an effort to get dressed up etc but when living together they see you all the time and you just become so relaxed around each other. Me and my OH still try to go out for meals or have special meals at home and get dressed up as when we are actually out we talk and have a great laugh and it's completely different feeling than the nights we just stay at home.

I wouldn't get too stressed about it but make sure you talk about how you are feeling to your OH as otherwise you will just continue to be upset.

peonybaby · by **peonybaby** » Thu Mar 15, 2022 2:09 pm

+1 Frankenbride

The first year of living with someone is going to have its ups and downs, and just after getting married too! Gosh I cant imagine. I lived with OH for about 6 years before we got married and the first year we lived in the house together was a real eyeopener. In terms of taste when decorating, never thought OH would have such an interest in all of it, drove me bananas O:|

And just working things in out in general, we would have stupid arguments about crap! OH is the best person for apologising. he just gets over it quicker than me, usually says sorry first whereas Im a sulker.

In terms of your sexlife, I think initally some men might think once you are living together and sharing a bed every night sure why not? In reality that cant happen, fair play to you that do, but it aint me! But this will work itself out aswell. Once you get into a life rhythym, ahem... you will find what works for you both. Is this the first time your OH has lived with a partner? He might have imagined it to be different.

When it came to cleaning the house we had to clean the house together because there would be disagreements that he was doing more than me and vice versa. Very petty I know but sure we are all human, and living together has its mundanities. Equality is important and sitting down with your OH and working out whats fair in terms of housework will be one less argument.

by **mommalou** » Thu Mar 15, 2022 11:12 pm

THanks SOOOO much for the replies girls :thnk

It has really made me relax a bit and think that every arguement does not have to mean we are doomed and will not last.
Its the first time that either of us has lived with somebody else. Neither came from living at home either though. He lived by himself in his own house for about 8 years and I shared with other girls. I find it hard to think of this house as being anything other than "his" house and this annoys him and he keeps telling me that its "our" house now and to make it my own. I should just get stuck in and make it my own - but I think I have a mental block about it :compress

But I'm feeling much better tonight. After the arguement the other night, he asked me did I want to take a break - and that i obviously wasn't happy. It made me realise that I didn't want a break and I want to work it out and be happy.
Oh its such a big adjustment alright. I hope we can hang in there and work things out and as you all say, reach a happy medium.

Thanks again for all the support.... I'd be lost without these forums :heartbeat:

shazza k · by **shazza k** » Sat Mar 17, 2022 12:41 am

Dont worry ur not the only one were going out out 8years living together about 6 bought a house before the wedding and ever since fight like cats and dogs im not even maried a year and mentioned the D word to my frriend the other day im so unhappy

shazza k · by **shazza k** » Sat Mar 17, 2022 12:45 am

Dont worry ur not the only one were going out out 8years living together about 6 bought a house before the wedding and ever since fight like cats and dogs im not even maried a year and mentioned the D word to my frriend the other day im so unhappy its goten to the stage that he just looks at me crooked and i cry id say iv cried more in the last 6 months than i have done in the 8 years were together :o(

by **mommalou** » Sun Mar 18, 2022 1:43 am

Aww Shazzza K I'm sorry to hear that. Its crap isn't it. We didn't live together before we got married - but things have def changed since we did get married.
Marriage is an eye opener I suppose as they say.
DH is def more selfish since we got married, and wants things his way. He is way less tolerent of what I want these days. Its like what i want doesn;t really matter anymore.

i'm sick of it and its very upsetting.

McLisa · by **McLisa** » Tue Apr 10, 2022 4:33 pm

god girls your scaring me now lol we dont live together...well not properly. We just set up our house with him moving in after wedding in 5 months time. He's here good bit of the time and would stay maybe 3/4 nights a week and already there have been a few domestics. I've lived on my own for past 3 years and have my own way of doing things which i need to remember i have to compromise on and i can see he is trying to work on his flaws too but my god it isnt easy!

Laundry basket was over flowing yesterday as i watched him squash his dirty clothes into it (bonus that he actually took them to the basket so couldnt say anything :o0

), then he comes into me this morning asking where all his boxers were - could have killed him, didnt seem to occur to him that overflowing laundry = washing needs done = no clean clothes. Worst thing is if you say anything to them your accused of being a nag no matter how nice you say it - have discovered that i have to let him think things are his idea rather than telling him to do it :o0

I'd say tho its all very normal and part of the process, its so easy to become complacement but they dont say the first year of marriage is the hardest for nothing. Personally i thinking finding right time to talk is the hardest bit, there never seems to be a right time so i bottle everything up then it just explodes. Make more time for each other and agree that you are going to make more of an effort for each other, i'd say once you do that the sex will follow.

Mrs Fahrenheit · by **Mrs Fahrenheit** » Tue Apr 10, 2022 6:39 pm

Ah don't think that it's the end of the world at all. I, in particular, found it really difficult to adjust to leaving together. You think oh we're basically living together anyway but you've no idea until you properly move in. I really considered walking out the door several times in that first year.
Also when we renovated the house we'd a lot more arguments than usual, purely out of the stress of our living situation.

You'll be fine. Just keep talking about it and figure out a way for both of you to keep the house ok.

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