Should we get married

by **countrybride1** » Fri Mar 23, 2022 11:17 pm

Hi,
I am getting married in a few months and sometimes i am not sure we should be getting married.The reason i say this is i am not floating along on a cloud or really excited most other brides to be seem to be in a bubble of excitement.

I was delighted the day we got engaged. We were going out about 15 months when we got engaged. He is a good guy kind and he thinks the world of me.We have fun together and i do love him but do i really love him in the way that makes a marriage last? We have had some hassle from parents re the fact that we are having a civil cermoney. My parents recently asked us to reconsider and oh was pissed off.The day after talk with my parents oh wanted to postpone as he didn't want to upset people. The way he phrased it i thought he was calling off wedding and i got really upset, he wasn't calling it off.

We are having a very small wedding so i don't think it is the stress of organising the wedding. I have had my brother making a couple of suggestions and disagreeing with some of my decisions which i am finding stressful. OH had meltdown the other day as he bwanted a breakdown of figures as i suggested a honeymoon destination that would have stretched us a bit. I am putting in double what he is to the savings. We seem to be rowing a lot at in the last few months.

We are very different people and i wonder sometimes are we too different. He spends money on crap but has no concept of the cost of running a house buying furniture etc it drives me mad. I have a house he doesn't.He is a little ecentric but he has a heart of gold and is pretty good at saying sorry i am not.We don't chat much on the phone our phone calls are hard work but when we are together we have fun and good chats. maybe it is just stress as at times when i think about us getting married and on the day itself i am really happy at times but should i be more excited??

Claddagh1981 · by **Claddagh1981** » Sat Mar 24, 2022 12:24 am

Sounds to me like you have a pretty normal relationship!! Its hard to float on clouds about your wedding if money and interfering family members are a worry.
We all have money worries especially coming up to the wedding, it really can put a strain on things but its nothing a sit down with the OH to sort through what you can and cant afford will sort.
As for men and money!! I think there all the flipping same :o0

im the one in our relationship who keeps an eye on our finances but the OH has some bills he must look after each month, as do I sharing some of the stress, but all our money is combined each month and divided up between bills and living etc

It sounds like family getting involved in YOUR big day is taking the shine off the whole occasion, but remember its your OH your going to marry, and if that makes you happy aside from everything else then your doing the right thing, if not then talk to your partner and tell him how your feeling.
I hope you get things sorted out and let us know how you get on

by **countrybride1** » Sat Mar 24, 2022 11:24 am

Thanks Claddagh1981 for the reply in the cold light of day things dont seem too bad. I did have a chat with OH after his meltdown he could see that the figures added up and we weren't going to get into debt. Our wedding and honeymoon should only cost €10,000 as i said in previous post a very small wedding.We have changed the honeymoon stilll the same contry but a better value option so he is happy with that.

We haven't seen much of each other as he has been doing nightshift and before that 4 to 12 which doesn't help. He still lives with the folks and goes on about how much he has to do at home. They have a farm which is leased out so he really has very litte to do so i find that frustrating too. I am probably letting the small things become big things. I think a bit of time spent with each other would help.

Thanks again

micls · by **micls** » Sat Mar 24, 2022 1:19 pm

To be honest, while your issues seem normal enough, if you're seriously not sure whether you should marry him or not (not just cold feet thoughts every now and then but a constant thought) then you need to think about at least postponing.

I'm not sure from your post if this is a constant feeling or just jitters, only you can tell. But I do think you should know that you love someone enough before making this commitment. Marriage is hard enough even when people are certain before they get married, if you're not sure you love him enough before you marry then I can only imagine it being even harder with niggling doubts in your head.

I think you need to sort your thoughts out, chat to your OH and let him know how your feeling.

lorraine78 · by **lorraine78** » Sat Mar 24, 2022 3:48 pm

I agree with Micls,its too big of step to take if there's any doubt.I was with my oh 12 years when we got engaged,i wanted to make sure we could live together and still get on. I haven't come off cloud 9 since we got engaged and even when our wedding day passes i cant wait to start our family.If you're both not thinking along them lines,i'd give marriage a bit more thought.I'm not trying to be harsh,only wanted to give you some advice,either way,i hope you sort something out

Mari yay · by **Mari yay** » Sat Mar 24, 2022 9:20 pm

I get the feeling from your post that the reason you are having doubts is because you are fighting with your fiance and are having problems with people interfering. Let me assure you that this is normal for weddings, you will ALWAYS have people giving you their opinion, whether or not you ask for it. What you should do is be firm about what you and your fiance want, and decide that this is the way you will be having YOUR wedding, regardless of what others think. Make this clear to those that try to give unwanted advice.
Like I said, it's just what I think from reading the post, I might be completely wrong. We decided when we were planning the wedding that we would not fight about other people interfering, and it worked, we had a few minor stresses when the interfering got too much, but for the most part we always talked about things and that helped.
I was never really in this bridal bubble that people talk about, I was happy to be getting married, but it didn't occupy my mind 24/7. It's just the practical side of me I think, I am the same with being pregnant, delighted to be pregnant, but I feel that I am expected to be happier about it. Again, the practical side of me just plans every few weeks, but in the meantime, I still have to go to work, do housework, cook dinners etc.
If you are seriously doubting things, and it's not just the stress of other people's opinions, then like the others said, you need to investigate that a bit more or else it's not fair on either of you.

by **orangehouse** » Sat Mar 24, 2022 9:54 pm

Look , not everyone is super excited about wedding planning so I wouldn't worry about that. But doubts about getting married are different. Ye are not going out that long. Would you consider getting some relationship counselling ?

woolly · by **woolly** » Sun Mar 25, 2022 10:18 am

It seems to me that you feel resentful about how little your OH saves and how little work he does. This is who he is right now and while he will probably change as he matures you will be marrying the guy who's irritating you in the present! If he's not responsible enough or doesn't have his life together enough for you to feel equal or secure within the relationship, then why not put the wedding on hold for a while until you feel more sure of him?

I'm not meaning to be harsh but change takes time and what's irritating now could be unbearable in 3 years....

by **countrybride1** » Sun Mar 25, 2022 5:51 pm

Hi Girls,
Thanks for all the replies and advice, i really appreciate it.

Having spent some time with OH this weekend it's all good in the hood .I don't have nagging doubts all the time, i just got a bout of cold feet.This was in part due to being tired and emotional and having a tough week at work. A few people we know have separated also and in some cases it was a big shock so it does make you think about your relationship but i know we are rock solid.I know we are not long together but i am midthirties and he is a few years older again so we have been around the block a few times.And no i am not rushing to get married because i am desperate for a child or anything like that. As they say there are three sides to every story mine, yours and the truth. So i was overly negative, i love him and cant wait to spend the rest of my life with him.

I was unfair re the money we are saving as he wanted a longer engagement to save over a longer period of time and i also earn more than him. He is working in a factory to pay the bills even though i know he hates it but glad to have it as he was unemployed. He has just inherited the family farm and has had to take out a loan for the all the costs of inheriting a farm that he will have to build up from scratch as it has been leased for a number of years and run down. So that is added pressure as he is in his early forties and starting from scratch re the farm. Having said that we are both very lucky that we have jobs and i am not looking for sympathy as so many people are under unbearable pressure.

We drive each other nuts at times, i am just more vocal than he is about what drives me nuts.We communicate well together and have managed to sort all issues out so far.While i am not floating along in a wedding bubble all the time i do get excited when i get another thing sorted.Sorry for the long post girls but it's helps to put things in perspective when you write them down.We were in bed this morning talking about having a family and names we like, a bit premature i know but as i said all's good.

woolly · by **woolly** » Sun Mar 25, 2022 10:11 pm

Great that you feel more sure of everything after thinking it over! Best of luck for the future

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